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Adam Miles cannot distinguish between narcolepsy and necrophilia — especially when he has been drinking.
That struggle was once again on full display at a New Year’s Eve party hosted by his wife’s boss and attended by more than three dozen of her coworkers.
Miles, 37, who pregamed with a sixer of Budweiser tallboys and several pulls from a bottle of Jack, immediately got off to a bad start when he entered the party demanding to know, “Where all my bitches and hos at?”
His wife, Kristen, swiftly punched him in the love handle while hissing, “For [expletive]’s sake, Adam. Not tonight. Please.”
Miles then scanned the room before locking in on a conversation among four of Kristen’s coworkers. The topic: Larry Pounder’s struggles with narcolepsy.
“Holy shit, no way!” Miles shouted, laughing and dancing an excited jig that drew the attention of nearby guests. “Pounder is a freak who [expletive] dead people?”
Jim Foster, who was involved in the conversation, urged Miles to lower his voice and calm down.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, big guy,” said Foster, a friend and coworker of Kristen’s. “You are confusing narcolepsy with necrophilia and making an absolute fool of yourself. Stop talking.”
Narcolepsy is a chronic neurological disorder that disrupts the brain’s sleep patterns, causing overwhelming daytime sleepiness. It affects roughly 3 million people worldwide.
Necrophilia, on the other hand, involves the desire to have sexual intercourse with corpses.
This did not dissuade Miles, who by that point was three sheets to the wind and either did not hear Foster or simply did not care.
“This is like the greatest day of my life!” Miles shouted. “I never thought I’d actually meet someone who likes to [expletive] corpses.
“You’re a sick pervert, Pounder!”
Pounder, who had been engaged in a separate conversation across the room, stared silently at Miles in abject shock.
Miles did not back down. Pointing at a platter of smoked salmon, he again shouted across the room.
“Pounder, dude, what would it be like to [expletive] this fish?” Miles asked, laughing loudly. “I mean, it’s dead and cold, so I figured you’d know. I’m just really curious — you sick bastard.”
Kristen Miles, who had been watching her husband with frozen horror while contemplating murder or divorce, suddenly sprang into action. In a blur of motion, she flew across the room and struck him over the head with a beer bottle, knocking him unconscious.
Pounder could not be reached for comment, as he was asleep.
Meanwhile, Adam Miles has not been seen or heard from in a week and has officially been listed as a missing person.
