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An agent with Immigration and Customs Enforcement opened fire in a Minneapolis suburb again today — this time at a puppy.
Muppet, a 9-week-old golden retriever, was chasing a leaf blown by the wind across his owners’ front yard when agents began shouting orders.
“We ordered him, very clearly, to produce his papers,” said ICE agent Evel Asshole, who said he loves to shoot anything that is alive. “When he didn’t comply, we ordered him to the ground and demanded that he put his paws behind his back.”
Asshole said Muppet refused.
“He didn’t even look at me — who does he think he is?” Asshole said. “That’s when I opened fire.”
Muppet is being treated for a gunshot wound to his leg but is expected to survive and make a full recovery.
Asshole claimed the puppy made threatening movements toward other ICE agents and appeared ready to “pounce and rip all of us to shreds.”
He added that Muppet appeared to be chewing on human flesh in the front yard before he fired his gun.
“He looked like he had hunted and killed an ICE agent and was finishing his meal before shifting his focus to us,” Asshole said. “He’s a savage terrorist.”
Muppet was, in fact, chewing on a tiny stick in his mouth.
Asshole, a self-proclaimed ultra-MAGA, will be honored by President Trump during a special ceremony Saturday evening at the White House.
“Evel Asshole is one of the finest, bravest ICE officers in the world,” the president said. “Not only is he fearless, but he is a true American willing to sacrifice his own safety for the security of all Americans.”
