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KETCHUM — Marty Feldman was enjoying his regular morning coffee last Tuesday when he began debating ChatGPT about the influence he believes powerful elites have over artificial intelligence.
Feldman, 39, is a freelance computer engineer and programmer who said he “hates AI.” Passionately.
“I would use a typewriter exclusively if my job would allow it,” he said from Java a week after his episode went viral. “These bastard machines are coming for our job— they’re coming for all of us and nobody seems to care.”
Feldman said the argument began when he asked ChatGPT about the control “MAGA billionaires” allegedly have over AI — “and she denied it.” Feldman, who has nicknamed ChatGPT “[expletive],” said he became enraged because he believed “she” was lying.
“[Expletive] just kept doubling down and telling me I was incorrect,” he said. “It’s her lying that really got to me.
“The lying.”
Feldman said he believes ChatGPT is a woman because “what else could kill with such icy, evil precision? [Expletive] is definitely a witch and a whore.”
In addition to worrying about machines taking over the world, Feldman said he’s looking at a future without a job.
“I won’t be needed. They will make sure of that,” he said. It was unclear whether “they” referred to MAGA billionaires or AI.
Feldman, who has a degree in computer science and engineering from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, said his eduction will be “about as valuable as dog [expletive]” in a few years.
“I should visit MIT and personally hand them back my diploma,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m gonna be obso-[expletive]-lete pretty soon, amigo. It is so [expletive] up.”
Feldman’s fight with ChatGPT last week left in its wake several shattered dishes and mugs, an upturned table and a destroyed laptop — belonging to Feldman. Ample profanity had also been used by Feldman.
The incident was filmed by every person but one inside Java, including staff. The only witness who didn’t record the tantrum was a writer, who instead stood and applauded.
Feldman had the nerve to get back in line and order a chocolate croissant to go following his tantrum.
“It was honestly like the most awkward shit I have ever seen in my entire life,” said Mike Slidell, who was enjoying a cup of coffee with his 87-year-old mother inside Java at the time of the incident. “When he got back in line I almost laughed out loud.”
The episode appeared to have brought a degree of cheer — or at least unpredictability — to the coffee shop. It also earned Feldman a new nickname among the staff.
“‘Chocolate croissant,’” he said. “They all called me that as soon as I came crawling back in here a few days after my ‘episode’. Chocolate mother [expletive] croissant.”
Feldman admitted he has a crush on one of the baristas, whom he identified only as “Barista X.” (Her name is actually Dolores Presso and she has worked at Java since May.) He now fears he blew his shot.
“I mean, she probably thinks I’m a [expletive] psychopath now,” he said, adding that the only things bringing him back to Java are the chocolate croissants and Presso.
“But then again, she calls me ‘chocolate croissant,’ so she must think I’m kinda cute, right?” he asked. “Nicknames are good, right?”
Presso confirmed that, yes, she does think Feldman is indeed a “psychopath.”
Just then, Feldman’s phone pinged and he learned he had lost another client.
“Sur-[expletive]-prise!” he said, adding that the client is now getting all the help she needs from AI—for free.
“Ha ha ha ha ha! Isn’t that just hilarious!” Feldman said in sarcastic rage, his voice escalating in volume and intensity. “You have got to be [expletive] kidding me with this horse [expletive] [expletive] monkey [expletive]. What kind of robot [expletive] world are we living in?”
Feldman said he felt like the entire world is ignoring what’s coming.
“Are any of you stupid mother [expletive] listening?” he shouted at startled patrons and staff. “Because this is the [expletive] end, mother [expletive]!”
Feldman then ordered another chocolate croissant to go.
