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When Stan Sleugh was wrapping up his night shift at the Sun Valley Wastewater Treatment Plant on a cold Monday morning in late November, he knew something was off.
“There was some sort of odor I was not familiar with,” said Sleugh, a newly hired shift manager at the wastewater facility, which is one of the nicest in the nation. “And I felt like I was getting high — like really, really high.”
Sleugh said he saw Santa Claus’s sleigh with a team of reindeer gliding through the late fall sky in the morning twilight, a vision that brought exuberant joy followed by massive confusion.
“I thought maybe I was losing it,” Sleugh said. “I mean, there is no way in hell that Santa is up there right now — it’s November, for goodness’ sake.”
He said he realized what was happening when he saw Oscar the Grouch pop out of a dumpster.
“Yep, I knew right then and there — I’m tripping balls on Special K,” Sleugh said, referring to a common street name for ketamine. “I was way into raves in the late ’90s when I was like 17, so I knew what was up.”
Sewage investigators, who arrived on scene in wetsuits with scuba tanks, eventually determined that the plant’s main line was completely clogged, causing ketamine gas to accumulate at extremely concentrated levels before leaking throughout the facility.
The cause of the clog — which had been silently collecting and solidifying for four months — was the stuff of nightmares.
“It was a giant ball of greed, ego, cocaine and bullshit,” said Rick Krapper, an investigator with the Sun Valley Water and Sewer District. “What we call a CEB ball — short for cocaine, ego, bullshit.”
Krapper said the CEB ball was formed by Allen & Company guests, who pumped the sewage plant full of drugs and toxic attitudes every time they flushed their toilets in July.
“Essentially, Allen & Company guests, who love drugs almost as much as they love themselves, sent gallons of toxic waste into our wastewater facility with every flush,” Krapper said. “And they’re so full of shit they have to flush twice, ohhh, bada bing bada boom!“
On a serious note, Krapper said the CEB ball is “the stuff of legend — something you only hear about around the campfire.”
Investigators explained that the ketamine turned to gas while the other compounds remained solid.
“It was the perfect storm,” Krapper added, wiping sweat from his brow.
Sun Valley officials said damages and repairs to the plant are estimated at $13 million, a burden that will fall on local taxpayers to avoid upsetting anyone even remotely associated with Allen & Company.
Ketamine, a strong dissociative anesthetic with psychedelic-like effects that is used for pain, psychotherapy and tranquilizing horses, has also become a popular recreational drug. It makes users feel like they’re floating on Dumbo’s back; in reality, most people just drool on themselves and rely on friends to hold their hand like a child while they try to walk.
Co-workers arriving for the day shift last Monday found Sleugh naked and speaking in tongues while trying to play street hockey with Cookie Monster in the alley behind the main office.
“I gotta say that was quite the sight,” said co-worker Al Bacterio. “I can’t get the image out of my head — needless to say I wanted what he was having.”
Bacterio’s wish soon came true as he and the rest of the day shifters began exhibiting the same symptoms as Sleugh.
“It was fun as shit — pun intended,” Bacterio said with a laugh. “When Stan and Cookie Monster started doing the electric slide I peed my pants laughing.
“But it was totally worth it — best day of work I’ve ever had.”
Sleugh and Cookie Monster, who was also blitzed on Special K, made a full recovery.
Todd Plunger, an assistant manager at Sun Valley Wastewater, said he is not only traumatized by the ketamine leak’s impact on the staff, but gravely concerned about the clog and the accumulating gases.
“This place could blow at any moment,” he said through his hazmat suit Monday afternoon. “If we’re not careful, you can kiss the whole north valley goodbye.”
If the pressure of the gas buildup is not relieved soon — with precise maneuvering — it could be catastrophic. One wrong step could trigger an explosion that would impress even America’s favorite hero, Elon Musk.
“I’d like to see that,” Musk said from his home in Texas, while on ketamine. “My son X is going to fly me in an F-16 to Sun Valley tomorrow to see if I can get in on all of this Special K action!
“I let him pilot the aircraft so I can get super [expletive] up.”
Sewage technicians have been tirelessly blocking Musk’s demands to be permitted to siphon the leaking ketamine gas.
“That guy is one serious piece of shit,” Krapper said.
