Table of Contents
SEAL Team 11, composed of what officials described as the world’s most tactically advanced special-operations seals, made landfall along the western coast of Greenland on Tuesday morning after President Trump ordered an invasion of the island for what he called national security reasons.
The seals, among the most highly trained special forces in the world, were assisted by members of the 45th Mechanized Penguin Brigade, who secured the beachhead prior to the landing.
The acronym SEAL stands for Seals, Eels, Albacores and Lobsters, a newly formed special forces unit created by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth in the spring of 2024.
“They specialize in covert maritime operations,” Hegseth said. “And they catch their own food, which keeps our budgetary requirements in check.”
Trump said Greenland’s coastal waters were heavily defended by “some mean walruses” and several small fishing boats belonging to the Kalaallit, Indigenous people who live primarily along Greenland’s west coast.
“It was a hell of a battle, more intense than D-Day in 1933,” Trump said, with startling inaccuracy. “When I saw how stiff the resistance was, I knew just who to call — Petey Boy.”
Trump was referring to Hegseth.
“Petey Boy has a lot of experience shooting innocent fishermen and is damn good at it,” Trump said. “I said, ‘Petey Boy, smoke these fish eaters!’”
Hegseth was drunk and missed the call.
The seals were not available for comment, but a member of the penguin brigade said the invasion met no resistance. The fishing boats were empty, and the walruses simply swam away.
“Mostly we just sat around, told jokes and ate sardine MREs,” said the penguin, who spoke on the condition that only his call sign, “Tuxedo,” be used. He was referring to military-issued meals ready to eat.
Tuxedo said he was still unclear about the purpose of the mission.
“They just told me to show up and that my family and I would get a year’s worth of fresh fish,” he said.
He said he now regrets the decision.
“I don’t really follow the news, so I didn’t know your president is literally, legitimately insane,” Tuxedo said. “He’s straight-up [expletive] nuts. Giving him the keys to the car was a big, big mistake.
“What were you guys thinking?”
It was unclear what the invasion would accomplish. Only a few dozen seals and about 50 penguins mingled along the coastline, where caterers and entertainers had also set up operations.
“We watched an incredible juggling show put on by the USO this afternoon, and then we all went fishing,” Tuxedo said. “So it wasn’t a totally wasted day.”
