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Are you a sociopath, psychopath, racist, rapist or murderer — or someone who simply wants to try murder and get away with it? If you answered yes to any of the above, you may be a perfect fit for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, also known as ICE.
You can find out at ICE’s job fair spectacular in Bellevue on Saturday night, an event featuring refreshments, gambling, live-fire exercises and prostitutes.
“Ideally, we want cold-blooded killers, but we’re willing to train anyone who can simply hold a gun and pull the trigger,” said ICE agent and job fair host Keven Noballs, adding that training would occur on the job, in real time. “If you’re a poor shot, we’ll just give you an AR-15 so you don’t have to worry about aim — you can just spray crowds of innocent people.”
Noballs, who tortured animals and bullied children as a teenager and now refers to himself as “King MAGA,” said there is a “ton of fun” to be had in Minneapolis, Minn., right now.
“It’s a total free-for-all, man,” Noballs said, laughing and shaking his head. “You can pretty much kill whoever you want — legal or not. Sometimes I fire my gun at people just to see if it’s actually loaded.
“It’s [expletive] awesome.”
Noballs said that while job fair hosts will interview all candidates who attend — as long as they meet the minimum requirement of being a sociopath — they are especially interested in former law enforcement officers who were fired and permanently banned from carrying a badge or gun.
“If you’re a good cop, don’t even bother coming, because we’ll kick you out,” Noballs said, adjusting his wedgie. “We want dirty cops — the kind who plant guns and drugs, steal evidence like cash and cocaine, and assault women during traffic stops.”
Bradley Batschit, chair of the Blaine County Republicans, which is sponsoring the event, said the hiring clinic should be “a real hoot.”
The job fair, which begins at 10 p.m. in Martin Canyon east of Bellevue, will also feature a live performance by the Kidd Rock tribute band, Kidd Sock, which performs with live sock puppets.
“We won’t be using anything but code names,” Batschit said, adding that his alias will be “Batschit Brad.”
“It’s a little play on names,” he said with a wink. “We’re real jokesters around here. We want everyone to have a really good time.”
Batschit added one important detail for attendees.
“Do not forget to bring your own mask and hood,” he said. “Show up without one and you will be shot.”
