Table of Contents
What to do about the black hole that is figure skating and male viewership?
It’s a burning question that has challenged — and haunted — every NBC executive in charge of Winter Olympic programming since the network took over in 2002.
“When figure skating is featured, every single woman on planet Earth who has access to a television will be found watching figure skating,” said Randy Loon, an NBC executive. “And every man will be found doing something other than watching figure skating.”
Loon said he has spent most of his adult life searching for a way to attract male viewers to figure skating. Some of his ideas have included thin patches of ice scattered throughout the rink that could break at any moment and drop figure skaters into a shark-filled tank below; flamethrowers, fire pits and knights; and a mandate that all female competitors skate topless.
All of those proposals were rejected by the International Olympic Committee because of excessive costs and serious legal issues.
But Loon believes he has finally found the ultimate solution.
“Hockey and figure skating together, at the same time, on the same ice,” he said proudly. “We know this will draw the male viewers we’ve been losing.”
Loon’s proposal was tested during an exhibition game between Team USA and Team Canada in Toronto last November. It was met with mixed reactions.
“I thought it was friggin’ awesome,” said hockey fanatic Tom Wrister of Philadelphia, who traveled to the event with his 14-year-old son. “It was the most fun I’ve ever had during a figure skating event.”
Wrister said his favorite part of the combined events was watching hockey players check figure skaters into the boards, deliver a random slash to the back of the leg or an elbow to the face at center ice.
“I think more than a few figure skaters learned not to dance around deep in the zone or in front of the net,” Wrister said with a laugh. “That’s a pretty obvious one — plant yourself in front of the net and you’re gonna get thumped.”
A thumping is exactly what French figure skater Gerard Depardieu III received. When Depardieu III and his partner, Marie Antoinette VIII, lingered a little too long in front of the goal crease, they were greeted by an irate Bob Probert II, Team Canada’s enforcer.
“Who does he think he is, eh, some kind of tough guy?” Probert II asked. “Get that fancy stuff oat of here and away from my net, eh.“
Probert II punched Depardieu III in the face, knocking three teeth out in the process.
“It was just a little knock in the chiclets, eh, just a friendly little greeting oat there on the ice,” Probert II said. “I don’t know what everyone’s making such a big deal aboat, eh.”
Linda Starlover will tell you exactly what the big deal is.
“It is barbaric and disgusting and lacks the skill, grace and beauty of figure skating,” Starlover said. “They’re animals. Actually that‘s an insult to animals. They’re monsters.“
Starlover, 64, drove with a friend from her home in Vermont to Toronto to watch the combined hockey-figure skating exhibition last November.
“I mean, like, who do these brutes think they are?” Starlover asked, shaking her head in disgust. “You can’t just throw Gerard to the ground in the middle of a triple axel and start walloping him in the face like some kind of barbarian.”
Starlover said that while Depardieu III searched for his chiclets on the ice, she slipped down to the bottom of the stands and started screaming at the hockey players on the bench through the glass partition.
“I told them they need to learn some manners,” she said. “I told them Gerard is fragile, and if they do that again, I will write a letter to the editor of my community newspaper about what a barbaric and terrible game hockey is.”
Starlover said one player turned around and calmly blasted her with a stream of Gatorade from his water bottle through the glass partition.
“Just barbarians,” Starlover said. “Absolutely deplorable, savage barbarians.”
Loon’s proposal has not been approved.
