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Allen “Slopey” Nonieve has had enough.
With warm temperatures, minimal snow and very limited open terrain on Sun Valley’s Bald Mountain, Nonieve said he is “losing it” and is “for sure” going to pack up his life in Ketchum and head for snowier pastures.
“I’m most likely moving to Jackson, where it actually snows and the terrain is sick,” Nonieve said. “Or screw it, I might just build a deluxe snow cave in Little Cottonwood Canyon and hit the Bird and Alta every day.
“Actually though, in all seriousness, I will probably be moving to Canada — B.C. would be pretty dope.”
Nonieve, 34, was referring to British Columbia, home to multiple ski resorts he described as “super sick,” the kind of places “where the stoke level is always high,” he said.
He added that the current weather pattern in the Western United States is “not acting copacetic,” blocking winter storms that usually favor the Sun Valley area.
“Not cool,” he said. “I mean, the pattern is seriously all [expletive] up right now. Sure, we’ll get our occasional little Sun Valley special — one-inch dusters — but there is literally nothing solid on the horizon.”
Indeed, the long-range forecast from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration’s Climate Prediction Center looks, as Nonieve put it, “like hot garbage.” Extremely warm temperatures with the occasional sloppy mix of light rain and snow dominate the 8–14-day outlook.
Roommate Chandler “Candles” Hartman says he has “had it” and is planning to move if Slopey doesn’t.
“He does the same thing every single time it doesn’t snow,” said Hartman, who attended the University of Utah with Nonieve and moved to Ketchum with him in 2013. “Suddenly he is ‘totally dead serious’ that he’s moving, and he always cancels his P.O. box, which is just… odd.
“Then he never goes anywhere. He just acts like an idiot for a month or two, or however long the drought lasts.”
Hartman said Nonieve reminds him of Bob Wiley, a character in the 1991 comedy “What About Bob,” starring Bill Murray.
“He’s like Bob,” Hartman said.
“‘You think he’s gone? He’s not gone,’” he added, quoting the movie. “‘He’s never gone!’”
Hartman said that when it’s dumping, Slopey is the “ultimate chiller” and “really fun on an epic day.” But during high pressure — when the sky isn’t dropping flakes and temperatures are warm — his antics have become unbearable.
“You know he called me and woke me up at 4:30 in the morning Thursday because he was naked and hiding in the brush outside Warm Springs Lodge?” Hartman said. “He needed me to pick him up because he was frozen and shriveled like an acorn.
“I told him I was on my way but then I fell back asleep.”
Nonieve had allegedly consumed a serious amount of whiskey Wednesday night and became determined to perform a snow-dance ceremony at the base of Baldy.
“I mean, that is really pretty standard idiotic behavior for Slopey when he drinks and it’s not snowing,” Hartman said. “He becomes an absolute moron, and I honestly hope he moves at this point. But we all know he won’t.”
While blackout drunk, Slopey allegedly walked naked from his apartment in Warm Springs to the base of the mountain, where he smoked a joint and performed — entirely alone — a choreographed dance to the Village People’s 1978 hit “Y.M.C.A.”
Soon after, he began to regain his composure, which is when the panic set in.
“Oh, he was absolutely freaking the [expletive] out,” Hartman said, laughing. “I think he was hyperventilating, and then he started to cry. It was [expletive] hilarious.”
Since Hartman had fallen back asleep, Nonieve was left to navigate home on his own.
“He apparently tried to run home nude on the bike path but was spotted by a school bus driver, who called the cops,” Hartman said, laughing so hard he snorted. “And the kids were laughing so hard that three of them peed their pants.
“But somehow the sneaky bastard avoided capture and made it home — unfortunately.”
Hartman said he still smiles every time he thinks about Slopey’s voyage.
“Unfortunately for those kids, they saw something none of us ever want to see — a nude Slopey,” Hartman said. “Actually, they probably didn’t see much of anything at all.
“Get it?”
