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President Trump on Monday directed the NFL to begin releasing real-life grizzly bears and African lions — and their cubs — onto the field during kickoffs if the league does not reinstate its former kickoff format, which was altered ahead of the 2024 season in the name of player safety.
“This new kickoff rule is for wussies and girly ‘men’ like Biden,” Trump said, using his tiny hands and fingers to make air quotes while saying “men.”
NFL officials reacted with confusion and alarm.
“We all know Trump has lost his mind, but this is taking crazy to a whole new level,” said a league representative who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It would be pure carnage. Bear and lion cubs on the field with their mothers? Yeah, that’ll go well. Player losses would be staggering.”
Trump, however, remained undeterred.
“We’re bringing back tough, manly, macho football,” he said. “The kind that was played in the 1970s, when I was basically a member of the Giants.”
“You’re making it sound like I’ve ordered ICE agents to be on the field. Lions, bears and snakes aren’t going to target you just because of the color of your skin or the name on the back of your jersey so I don’t know why everyone’s complaining.”
In addition to lions and bears, Trump said he would like to see panthers, jaguars and Bengal tigers on the field during kickoffs.
“And snakes I think would be pretty cool, too — just slithering in the grass and you never know when one might strike,” Trump said. “That would be fun. There should be a team called the Snakes, like the Seattle Snakes. That would be tremendous.”
The president continued speaking for no reason.
“You know Seattle is on tough times and they don’t have a football team because of Biden,” he said. “It’s true and it’s bad. Very, very bad. And they could use an NFL team to give them something to cheer for and make them feel American again.”
When asked whether he wanted players and spectators to die for no reason at all — a certain outcome if large wild animals and snakes were allowed free rein of the field and sidelines — Trump doubled down.
“You’re making it sound like I’ve ordered ICE agents to be on the field,” he said. “Lions, bears and snakes aren’t going to target you just because of the color of your skin or the name on the back of your jersey so I don’t know why everyone’s complaining.
The president then launched into a tirade about protesters in Minnesota while also somehow slipping in a jab at Norway for not awarding him the Nobel Peace Prize.
Trump said he has directed the Department of Justice to launch a criminal investigation into who was responsible for the NFL’s kickoff changes, adding that “it was obviously Biden.” The investigation, he said, will also focus on suspected collusion with the European Union and NATO.
“The last time we let the Euros get involved in anything they destroyed the Soviet Union, and we all know that was a huge mistake,” Trump said. “Have you ever put your own head inside a microwave? I’ve tried.”
The directive sent some workers preparing for the Super Bowl into a panic.
“This honestly scares the shit out of me — bears are literally my nightmare,” said a worker at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California, where the game will be played. ”I don’t know if this job is worth my leg getting ripped off by a lion.”
NFL spokeswoman Linda Yardline said the league is not preparing to introduce wild animals into the game, particularly on Super Bowl Sunday.
“We never took the order seriously,” Yardline said. “Does anyone still take that guy seriously? He craps his pants daily.”
