Table of Contents
President Trump on Thursday said he plans to invade northern Mexico with military force to return several states to their “rightful owner — the hottest babe in the pageant, lady America.”
The president said “most of that upper part of Mexico” actually belonged to the United States but was stolen in a late-night poker game more than 150 years ago.
Trump claimed infamous 19th century Mexican cardshark Esteban Jorge Rodrigo-Rodrigo cheated by having his pet chihuahua, Corazon de Pancha Villa, read cards over the shoulder of American gambler Buck Littlenuts during a game of Texas Hold ’em in 1871.
Included in the pot of that winning hand: “the southern United States and some of her sexiest features,” the president said.
The land in question has never been part of the United States. In fact, much of the American Southwest — including all of present-day California, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah, and most of Texas and Colorado — once belonged to Mexico. The land was ceded to the United States in 1848 in the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ended the Mexican-American War.
Trump alleges the chihuahua, De Pancha Villa, who was 7 at the time, telegraphed signals to Rodrigo-Rodrigo using subtle yips, licks, ear twitches and elaborate yawns during the high-stakes poker game, which he said took place in an underground cantina in Chihuahua known colloquially as El Perro Desnudo.
“Because of that cheating — which I can never imagine doing because I’m such a great, very honest, great man — our sexy America lost a piece of her hot bod,” Trump said. “To avenge that chihuahua cheater, De Pancha Villa — and she’s bad, a very bad dog, very, very bad — we’re gonna take back not just Chihuahua but all of the chihuahuas in it. And some other stuff too.
“I love tacos.”
The president said the plan includes “capturing” several states in northern Mexico, including Nuevo León, Coahuila, Chihuahua and Sonora. He said Mexican citizens living in those states are “actually illegal aliens since it belongs to the United States.” They will be deported, he said.
“I’m sending in SEAL Team Six,” he added.
Trump also clarified that even though northern Mexico is “incredibly sexy,” his daughter “Ivonka is still way hotter.”
A two-second investigation by Bugle staff revealed that none of the president’s comments about Mexico were factually accurate and that his comprehension of the history of Mexico and the United States — or any history — scored at or below a first-grade level.
According to first lady Melania Trump, the president has also been spending “more time than I do” in front of the mirror practicing the facial expressions and mannerisms of Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“He keeps asking me if he’s starting to look more and more like Vlad,” she said. “He’s also been walking around a lot with no shirt on — and don’t even get me started on how much I don’t want to see that.
“But now he has plans to wrestle a wild polar bear in front of a sold-out crowd on the White House lawn on New Year’s Eve, and that’s pretty exciting!”
The president has touted the fight as “the bout of the century in which I will prove that only a very, very strong man, a truly brave warrior like myself, can face and defeat a wild polar bear in a bare-knuckle fight.”
Trump said he “desperately” hopes Putin will attend.
A personal invitation, featuring Trump’s hand-drawn illustration of breasts, was overnighted by mail to the Russian president. An RSVP has not yet been received, according to White House sources.
“Vlad, buddy, if you’re reading this you can totally RSVP over text, you don’t need to be all formal send it through the mail,” Trump said Friday from the Oval Office. “I only mailed you your invite because you’re special to me and I really think you should know that.
“So yeah, broski, you’re probably really busy killing innocent Ukrainians and wrestling penguins but just hit me up over text whenever.”
In preparation for the event, a 30,000-seat stadium — with concessions from McDonald’s and a debut of Trump’s new restaurant chain, Fatty McButterpants — will be constructed on the White House lawn.
The event, which will also feature a musical performance by Kid Rock, will be sponsored by Hooters and Coors Light. The stadium’s design theme is said to be conceptually based on a gigantic set of fake breasts.
The bear fight will be available on multiple streaming services, with packages starting at about $2,000.
Demand is “through the roof,” officials said, and one person in particular is so excited she can’t sleep.
“It is going to be such an amazing night — I cannot stop thinking about it,” the first lady said, appearing very confident in her husband’s ability to fight and defeat a 1,200-pound wild animal.
“It is seriously like one of his best ideas ever,” she added. “I mean, I really don’t think there’s a better way to start 2026, honestly. I really hope I get to meet the bear.”
De Pancha Villa, who just celebrated her 135th birthday in India’s northern province of Uttarakhand, where she has been living and traveling with a group of Shaivite sadhus for the past 11 decades, issued a short telepathic comment about Trump’s accusations on Tuesday.
“Pinche idiota,” she said. “Cara de chango.”
Scholars say they are unable to decipher or translate any of De Pancha Villa’s comments, as the language appears to be a lost dialect of chihuahua with roots in Sanskrit.
Meanwhile, Trump claimed he has obtained “secret video footage” proving the cheating incident.
“The CIA was there undercover and they hid an iPhone in a bowl of guacamole,” Trump said, adding that his great-great-great-grandfather was the mastermind behind the operation.
“He was a CIA spy and he was so smart — very, very smart — and very, very handsome,” the president said. “Everybody loved him. He was just like me.”
The Central Intelligence Agency was not founded until 1947. Apple released the first iPhone in 2007.
A White House source said Trump’s “brilliant invasion plan” was inspired by a particularly spicy Taco Tuesday, when the president gorged on late-night takeout from Taco Bell — he made Vice President J.D. Vance drive across Washington at 12:15 a.m. to pick it up — while watching old VHS tapes of a shirtless Putin riding and wrestling various animals.
“I ate nine gorditas, 14 crispy taco supremes and eight beef-and-bean burritos,” the president said. “And then I realized — because I’m a genius, a very smart, very handsome genius — that this is actually American food that Mexico stole from the luscious thighs of lady America.”
Trump said he plans to immediately change the name of the globally recognized cuisine Mexican food to “American Food!” The exclamation point is mandatory and will be enforced.
“The Mexicans robbed Mexican food from us just like they stole California in 1983,” he said. “It was very bad. Very, very bad.”
“So I will also invade California and change the Mexican-named city of San Diego back to its original American name, ‘Whale’s Vagina.’”
While this appears to be a reference to the 2004 film Anchorman, the president claims he has never heard of the comedy classic starring Will Ferrell.
A statement from U.S. Northern Command, which is responsible for the defense of the United States and oversees operations along the U.S.-Mexico border, said they are “not preparing to invade our friend and neighbor, Mexico.”
A Democratic lawmaker who requested anonymity for fear of losing her life said the president’s invasion rhetoric was “obviously” an attempt to distract the public from the upcoming release of the Epstein files.
“No doubt Trump’s name peppers those files like buckshot,” she said. “But let’s be real: Those documents will never be released — at least not while he’s in office.
“He’ll spin it into a witch hunt on Dems and order an immediate investigation, which means the Justice Department will withhold a release of the files to the public. And the record keeps spinning.”
