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Kyle Stopp, a Bugle reporter, left his former dentist last October because of relentless upselling. He was excited to try a new dentist and trusted that she — Dr. Mallory Flogger — wouldn’t put a financial full-court press on him, his teeth and his pocketbook.
“But I should’ve known better,” Stopp said. “We’re in late-stage capitalism — everyone’s fangs are out, and dentists are among the most extreme money vampires out there.
“Gimme gimme gimme your money, bitch!”
Indeed, the nation’s dentists spend every other weekend attending seminars on the romance of late-stage capitalism and the art of shameless upselling. The classes teach professionals and their eager staffs to eradicate any behaviors that make them pleasant human beings and focus entirely on aggressively extracting as much money as possible from their clients.
Stopp witnessed those sales techniques in action last Monday in Dr. Flogger’s office. After a half-hour of unnecessary X-rays, he again found himself under a rapid and relentless upsell attack.
“Suddenly I had this woman right in my face trying to act cute while telling me that I have to crown every single tooth in my mouth, otherwise I may not live to see the age of 110,” Stopp said. “The total estimate, with anesthesia, was close to $50,000.
“Umm, yeah, you can go ahead and fuck right off.”
Stopp, who lives with post-traumatic stress disorder and has a low tolerance for even the slightest tinge of bullshit, said Dr. Flogger was nothing but bullshit.
“She told me that crowning every tooth in my mouth is the ‘conservative plan,’” Stopp said. “Well then what in the fuck is the ‘non-conservative plan’?
“I don’t even have any cavities, so I’m not sure what fucking planet Flogger lives on.”
To calm himself after the appointment, Stopp chugged a six-pack of nonalcoholic beers from Athletic Brewing Co.
“Does anyone in this country practice the art of simply enjoying being alive anymore?” Stopp asked. “Or is it all about extracting every fucking penny out of every fucking person you come into contact with?”
Studies suggest the latter.
Roughly 98.2% of Americans would heartlessly murder their neighbor and take their money if it weren’t illegal, according to a USA Yesterday poll. The other 1.8% are teachers, nurses, therapists, artists and writers.
“Or as I like to call them, the ‘losers among us,’” Dr. Flogger said. “If I was a teacher, I would steal my students’ lunch money every single day. That Porsche isn’t gonna buy itself.”
Stopp said he’s going back to his old dentist, as “at least his upselling isn’t as aggressive.”
But he noted that he is worried about his prejudices, as well as some of Dr. Flogger’s staff.
“I do fear that I’m now an antidentite,” he said. “I’m also afraid that one of her hygienists doesn’t belong there as she was super cool, smart and not full of shit.”
