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A special playdate was held in the Oval Office on Tuesday morning for President Trump and his pals, who broke out their favorite army figurines, toy tanks and jets to pretend they were fighting World War III.
“It was so neato,” said Stephen Miller, the U.S. homeland security adviser, his voice cracking with boyish excitement. “Petey bombed a school and a hospital, which was pretty extreme — in a cool way.”
The boys mostly focused on destroying Iran and killing everyone they earmarked as potential candidates to successfully lead the country into the future under a new government.
“We bombed the hell out of it,” Trump said. “We don’t really have any other Iranian candidates, but we think we’ll find someone who’s nice and will bow down to me and everything I say and do.”
As bombs and missiles struck several schools, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reminded his friends that “this is war, and in war there is absolutely no way to determine where your bombs and missiles will actually land.”
After destroying Iran to help the Iranian people, the boys left the damaged country lying on the floor and did nothing to help it rebuild or move toward a brighter future.
“[Expletive] those people,” Hegseth said while he sucked down Jell-O shots. “They supported an evil dictator for decades, so as far as I’m concerned they’re on their own. We just want to destroy Iran, and that’s exactly what we’re doing.”
Russian President Vladimir Putin joined the playdate via Zoom and educated the boys on the effectiveness of killing innocent people and destroying nations.
“That guy is crazy — as in crazy cool,” Hegseth said while stuffing down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Like us, the guy loves to destroy stuff.”
The boys eventually hit a wall and needed some help, which is when White House nanny Martha Momerton stepped in.
“After three hours of bombing Iran the boys were exhausted, filthy and smelled like sticky candy,” said Momerton. “We got them fed, took away their sugar snacks and put them all in the tub for a nice long bath.”
Once in the tub, the boys played with toy submarines and battleships, with Trump sinking a boat full of refugees who were trying to flee various nations he had bombed.
“That was wicked awesome,” Miller said, his lips ringed with sticky grape jelly. “Petey made some really cool sound effects of people drowning and dying. It was funny.”
The boys then took a nap before waking up, slipping into their pajamas and watching a highlight film of their playdate.
“It was like the most awesomest day ever!” Hegseth said.
