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Barron Trump has decided to be all he can possibly be.
President Donald Trump’s son not only enlisted in the Army last Friday, he “tested off the charts in all categories of fitness, mental fortitude, leadership, soldiering and warrior skills,” according to a White House news release.
“He was found to be so brilliant and gifted that he skipped boot camp to engage in more specialized training,” the release said.
By Saturday, Baron had been promoted to four-star general due to his “impeccable skills.” He will now lead combat operations in Iran from a special outpost in the Swiss Alps, complete with a phenomenal selection of expensive cheeses and wines.
“Like me, he’s the best at every single thing he does,” a proud President Trump said. “Also like me, he’s a true patriot and a diehard soldier.
“Have you seen the gold curtains in the White House ballroom? I picked those out, and they’re oh so beautiful,” the president added. “Only someone like me or Barron could pick out something so beautiful.”
Secretary of War Pete “I will kill you if you question the Iran War” Hegseth personally welcomed Barron to his new Swiss chalet with a Coors Light keg party, topless dancers, a Kid Rock impersonator and $9 million in lobster and steak.
“It was a wild bash,” a hungover Hegseth said Sunday morning. “We’re on a mission from God.”
