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Secretary of War Pete “I will kill you if you question the Iran War” Hegseth was still foaming at the mouth Wednesday from a combination of anger and excessive alcohol consumption after a turbulent press conference Monday at the White House in which he was asked for an honest assessment of the war in Iran.
“What kind of anti-American question is that?” Hegseth said, seething with such anger that the veins in his forehead became a focus of concern by all in attendance. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it’s coming from a treasonous, terrorist organization like NBC — or should I say IranBC?”
When the reporter said the American people deserve an honest assessment of the war, Hegseth lunged at her before being restrained by his security detail. He then threw a tantrum, kicked over a chair and stormed out of the press conference before boarding a plane for Kuwait and “getting absolutely shitfaced,” according to the pilot, who said he was forced to make a special landing on a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier in the Atlantic Ocean to refuel Hegseth’s beer supply.
“That was something else,” said Hegseth’s personal alcohol chef, also known as a bartender. “Landing a 727 on an aircraft carrier is just unheard of.”
Hegseth’s bender was only beginning.
On Tuesday, he donned a hijab, mooned a delegation of Kuwaiti politicians, had $3 million in steak and lobster delivered to his compound and ran around dry humping staffers and strangers alike.
“I can’t believe he wasn’t hung,” a violated Hegseth staffer said. “Such a bummer.”
On Wednesday morning, after consuming four bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey and 64 beers in 36 hours, Hegseth stole a jet ski and rode it through the Strait of Hormuz while double-fisting.
The staffer said she watched with a mixture of disbelief, anticipation and hope.
“I just kept waiting for a big explosion,” the source said. “I was so hopeful I’d see parts of Hegseth’s body rocket into the air before plopping back into the water like that whale that was blown up on an Oregon beach in 1970.
“I honestly felt like crying when he made it through unscathed.”
