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With a vibrating water bed, studio lighting, a group shower, lube stations and a set that would make legendary pornstar Jenna Jameson envious, Kristi Noem’s private jet has caught the eye of porn producers worldwide.
Noem, who was the acting secretary of homeland security before she was fired Monday, faced heat for using the plane for personal entertainment, like having an affair, slandering dogs and filming herself having sex with her mister, Corey Lewandowski.
On Thursday afternoon, an OnlyFans — a porn and social media website that allows users to upload their own homemade porn films — representative announced the site had purchased the jet for the massively reduced price of $69 million.
“Nobody wanted to buy this jet, let alone fly in it, because it’s a porn palace with wings,” said White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt. “It’s sticky and it smells … off.”
Leavitt played a supporting role as a stewardess in one of Noem’s self-produced porn flicks.
“We used that plane, hardcore, if you know what I mean,” laughed Lewandowski, Noem’s former aide and an amateur porn star. “A lot of good times, and a lot of bad. A lot of bad.
“But we made some truly beautiful porn films using taxpayer-funded professional camera equipment, lighting, set design and top-of-the-line lube.”
OnlyFans star Redi Taphuck, who helped negotiate the purchase of the jet, said big plans are already in the works.
Beyond the attractiveness of the set, Taphuck said owning a jet once used by Noem opens the door to a dizzying array of fun, pun-themed porn titles.
“Our fleet of writers have already penned several films including ‘Rawdog Pilot,’ ‘Flyin’ it Doggystle,’ ‘Four Inches and a Mile High: the Corey LewanDOGski Story,’ and ‘InfiDOGity: the Kristi Noem Story,’” Taphuck said. “And unlike with Kristi, no dogs will be harmed in the filming process.”
She added that she will be playing Noem in every film.
“She a skank-ass ho!” Taphuck said. “I’ve never played anyone who was so nasty, so this will be a serious challenge but also a lot of fun.”
Taphuck said viewers should also expect a lot of S&M and role reversal in keeping with Noem’s style.
“Kristi loves strap-ons,” Taphuck said. “Corey wasn’t into it but everybody knows that whatever Kristi says goes!
“So yeah, Corey had some rough flights.”
Meanwhile, dogs around the nation are challenging the sale as they had planned to burn Noem’s jet in sacrifice.
“I love OnlyFans as much as the next gal,” said Roberta McBarkerton, a 7-year-old terrier from Los Angeles. “But this evil anti-canite and her stinky sex-jet need to go down in flames.
”I just realized that would actually make a great title: ‘Kristi Goes Down on Everyone, in Flames.’”
Filming is expected to begin in earnest Friday.
