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The devil announced Friday that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is blackmailing the United States into war with Iran.
“This has been in the works for decades,” Satan said with glee. “When Israeli agents introduced Jeffrey Epstein to Robert Maxwell’s daughter, we knew it was on.”
The devil said Israeli intelligence used Ghislaine Maxwell and Epstein — “agents of both hell and Israeli intelligence,” he said — to build a global sex trafficking ring and gather compromising material on hundreds of U.S. politicians, Hollywood figures and business leaders.
“While Israel hatched the plan — it’s their baby — I had a heavy hand in it,” the devil said. “Trump, Bibi, Ghislaine and Epstein are all my star pupils. I created them.
“Why do you think Trump is so crispy orange?”
With an abundance of alleged evidence, Netanyahu knew Trump and the United States would do whatever he wanted, allowing the pair to unleash what the devil described as pure evil.
“I love the darkness they’ve spawned — from global sex trafficking rings to war, murder and genocide,” he said. “Trump even tricked some Christians into unwittingly joining the dark side. It doesn’t get any better than that.”
While some have raised concerns that the blackmail suggests the two have turned on each other, Satan dismissed the notion as irrelevant.
“These two are loaded with darkness,” the devil said, referring to Trump and Netanyahu. “To see one blackmailing the other is especially sweet and makes me a proud papa.
“It’s like watching one serpent slowly devour the other whole.”
